a new diversion

tomorrow, im going to start the semester by going to school and demanding they provide me with another schedule less ungodly. The one they gave me just plain sucked. I couldn't even bring myself to describe it. also, i will try to socialize. make friends. whatever.

maybe im finally calloused about this change-me-twice-a-year madman thing that they always make me endure. maybe. shall i make new friends? for the year i was in OLGC i did not, fortunately, however, make any more enemies. people are just too predictable and curious in that place. no ever gives me a hard time (except for that PE teacher who made me take gymnastics thrice before he finally gave me that 2.5 i so deserved) or shoots me the evil eye even. they were all too friendly asking me questions and wanting me to ask them questions. well i did like some people, my seatmates, they were helpful as hell plus we all quite agreed on snack-sharing during physiology lectures (those of which we had to endure at a 2-5 basis) if i wasn't dozing off footnote: we ARE allowed to doze of! if not how do you suppose i got a 2.5 when everyone was clearly dying to get a heavenly 3?) still, i did not make real friendships. they were all mere acquaintances (heck, i didn't even try to attend that compulsery acquaintance party which in return, i was asked to pay the entrance fee that i obviously had no use for.

but i am thinking this: since A. doesn't seem to keep his word, it seemed like he won't make this semester easy for me either. he just had to break every single promise he'd said. thus, my idea for a new diversion which will be summed up with these simple words: WHAT WILL COME MUST COME. I WILL WELCOME IT WITH OPEN ARMS.

everybody loves marcus flutie

chromosomal dance.
oh, heavenly happenstance.
rare creation, you.

aaaaaaack!!!!!
MMMMMMMMMMAHCUSSSSS!!!!!

Charmed Thirds

I've finished reading that book i've been hunting down for these past weeks. 999 bucks over in two days. it vrooooooomed past me. gone. how can that be? 2 days ago I was so psyched to finally find an actual copy--paper, jacket and all. i would definitely be reading for the days to come. it was pretty good but hell, it went by so fast. for 999 buckeroos. now i'm once again in search for another read. it's not very hard to just hole up in your room and forget about the rest of your life, or in my case, that you even have one. yeah its that bad.

(for details about the said book, see my hobby blog)

so low

I've spent the last two days hunting down bookstores all over manila looking for this book "Charmed Thirds" which I have been watching out for for at least since high school (I am now in my third year in college). I've pretty much spent more what the book is worth through taxi fares (I know that's not a very smart way to travel but I really have no choice) and food. Today I went home defeated once again and a few other things come crashing down. I am now in need of another way to earn a few bucks and I'm really not in the mood to do anything else until I get a hold of that stupid book.

Oh, how I miss the KrispyKreme!

sleepy eyes

i'm borrowing A's computer. it's a marathon, i swear to god.

shock and awww

complications will never leave me alone.

im trying to teach him how to be a better person. not really for me but for himself! but its really hard to change something when you see nothing wrong with it. it's like you're remotely attached to it or something.. it's so sad really, i thought i could live with this, you know. i actually thought this could go on forever. but really, like your the torn cover of your favorite book, you just had to fix it at some point, right?

whewww

i promised myself i'd try to get more sleep but here i am at 3 am sitting here and very much awake. at least i've finally fixed my macros >.< i just couldn't sleep at all knowing there was a config i couldn't successfully run. all's well now, i know i should have been done packing my bags by this time--my old friends and i'll hit the beach tomorrow, that would be today, technically. i swear i'll sweep past it in the morning (that would technically be now, too!)

remembering that horrid day

today i realize i need to do my laundry again and finding a place where i could actually do it without somebody going absolutely berserk over me has become potentially problematic. going to a laundromat would cost me a fortune, so what else could i do?

a hard little kick

its so hard to give people favors all the time because they're bound to push it and would be totally indignant if you try to ask something from them for a change. take A. for example, he had asked for money (again) for computer rentals, tried to sweet talk me into it. and then i gave him some, i couldn't exactly resist at that moment because he was being hell of a nice guy and all. then 15 minutes later he reminds me that he is anything but.

don't get him wrong he's actually nice sometimes. i mean, tries to be nice and all at least so that he can keep asking for favors all the time. hmm.. right now im not exactly crazy about him either. once he gets what he wants, he doesn't care at all. that's arvin, that's my boyfriend. there must be somethng to get out of this chronic insanity of mine. yeah a good hard little kick would probably do.

i'm beat

today i went out with some friends. sold some stuff and bought a phone. my feet hurt by the end of the day. it was so humid in my room even if i hadn't left the pc on.. i was annoyed that he couldn't pass a day without going there in that stinky place. he was always complaining about how tiring it was to go out with me but he just had to stop by and have a tea party with his "friends". god, it's so annoying.

one moment in time

now what would you do if, one night your phone rings waking you from your slumber as you tumbled out of bed to answer it while you are still unsure of what is actually happening or whether or not you were actually awake and you find the love of your life standing by your gate, it was dark and you are legally blind at night so you can't exactly see everything but you are absolutely sure he is there and as you walk closer, he is quiet and though you could not make out his face, the reflection of the moon in his glistening tears were unmstakable and very hard to miss. it is 2 in the morning and he is just standing there in silent tears, holding your hand.

ah, what then?

i live in a little burrow under a staircase

i have painted my room blue like the sky last summer. when all my stuff were hauled out into the living room and everywhere else, i thought it looked absolutely wonderful. when the smell of paint was all but a slight whiff, we pulled back in my bed, my desk and my computer. the rest of my stuff may return tomorrow. then eventually everything was back into place and my room looked stuffy again. i have so much junk yet i could not throw anything out.

i think it is the ugliest room ever but you can have a little look if you want. my deepest apologies if my cam is an absolute retard in taking pictures

arrested development

it's not a wise crack, it's my favorite TV show!!!

it's konochie's birthday!

my brother was born april 8, 1989. he's grown so much now, but im still very fond of him. i love him verrry much!

im hoping to get my items back

today we went to LU in makati with hao and kuya/ate norby(don't get the wrong idea, he's not gay, im just used to calling him both) to fix our accounts. i guess it was pretty much successful, thanks a lot to those lovely people up there they're so nice to me!

anyway by the end of the day im beat!

a fight for justice

i have this stuffed dog that A gave me for my 19th birthday. his name is pop star and he's a beagle. i'm just pretty much contented with him covering my face every night as i dive into the deepest slumber and him sitting on top of all my pillows in the morning, if i ever did decide on making my bed. im pretty fond of him and even mother admits he is kind of cute even if his face is a permanent frown.

keisha is the smallest of the little critters that loitered the house all day long, making so much noise and knocking stuff over until there is nothing else to knock over. they fight scream and cry a lot, but i decide on letting it pass when it comes to this little girl. she's so smart and quite frankly i am also very fond of her. i try to give her everything she wants whenever she tinkers around my room looking for something to mess with. she almost always gets away with breaking my stuff or taking them or getting them lost and i never find them. she's only two years old for chrissake!

but oh how she cried and moped for my dear old pop star. there was nothing i could do but watch her fiddle with his ears while she sucks on her bottle. i wanted to scream for justice! i mean, she knows its basically off limits and she never tried to take it until tonight. i dont want pop star to end up in a dusty old refrigarator carton like the rest of their stuffed toys, worn out, dirty and forgotten. you know i had to wait for her to fall asleep so i could quietly take it from under one of her legs.

i hope i was not being selfish but that damned dog means a lot to me and i want to take good care of it. keep it from groping, harrassing chocolate-covered two-year old hands. when something i love is about to get royally fucked up, u don't expect me to just sit there and wait for it to be done with. i will claim it and protect it. sweep it into my arms and never let it go. i just had to do something.

even if it means being selfish.

5 am and still very much lonesome

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time

hurting and shoving

mad. all mad (lights out hold on a sec). its 3am speaking wth wanna. we are both brooding over our latest (or hatest) love idiocy. hey its not what you think. we were totally confused with all the things we were saying all those revelations. iwas feeling awfully lonesome and so.. loose. basta it was weird. i feel empty, incomplete.

my eyes i know how it would look like tomorrow when i wake up.

kim graduates

i went to my brother kim's graduation today. my mom and i. i can tell he was pretty happy to have us there. i was too. it went on for like 3 hours and everyone was just itching to get out of there~ ate pizza after that with all my siblings. what a riot. i just love them!

like a snatch from the beginning

it was wonderful waking up this morning. apart from the stiffness in my neck and later discovering that my eyes were all puffed out like i was crying the night before(it seemed fairly odd since i closed my eyes with swell thoughts on my head), the morning was cool and i could hear the splatter of nice rain drops on my window(i ran profusely to check if it rained on my computer since it was unstrategically placed right below the window by my mother). there's nothing like waking into a soft drizzle in manila.

i had noodles for brunch and have forgotten to eat again until 4 in the afternoon where i snacked on slices of banana cake and apple juice on our way to the mall. OUR way since i was indeed with somebody. arvin had insisted to accompany me to settle a rather unsettling overdue bill from one of those sleazy ISPs which are bound to take a hefty sum from you for basically nothing. i swear im telling the truth. he was rather bored and penniless are the reasons if you ask me. you wouldn't be seeing the two of us joking around the street if he had even 20 pesos in his pocket(all right, fine i guess i am exaggerating a little).

anyway, what we did was, we had a nice time walking around for a few hours but had an awful time WALKING. we had both agreed that our feet were sore even if we were both wearing only flip flops. i could have sworn there was something different from the way we regarded each other from the time we last went out for a stroll. it was like something from all the famliarities have been removed and was placed by the slightest skip of a beat or a fraction of a breath held. you wouldn't even notice it from a third person's point of view. like a snatch from the beginning of all things, i experienced an excitement and coyness i did not know i could still fathom for him. i guess i was desperate for anything that would indicate a remaining interest he still holds dear for me.

all im saying is we had it going there for a while. but not without those sharp pangs of pain embedded with my casual observance of things. i could not get use to the fact that-- oh i dont know. i guess he will forever hurt me with petty things which he never really intended for as long as im me. *yawn*

he couldn't have hit me any harder

so today, he decided he wanted to see me and told me so when he called me up. dont get the wrong idea. he wanted something that has to do with an online game. i would've shot you a wide-eyed-surprise look if you really though he wanted to see ME. (splat! right on TARget)

it hurts so much that all his friends* had to do is holler out to him to play a game with them and he'll come FUCKING running like a dog. of course, i didn't have any choice but to step aside quietly without resistance. i mean, sure i could have given him hell but that was just so YESTERDAY. its different now. i am stripped of every right to be at the very least bit irritating or inconvenient to him. he didn't even try to fake an "oh you're going home already? come on you should STAY. i wanna be with YOU". but why would he anyway?

this was just a not-so-subtle reminder to me that hey, im not joking myself. this is for real. its actually happening. no turning back now. no sirrree. how'd ya like them suzie Q?

so he walked me home into the soft drizzle 3o minutes after we've met at the computer shop and i quickly closed the gate behind me. i dont want him to expect it to be any romantic goodnight or anything. he, for one thing did not deserve it and hell, i don't feel like giving him one anyhow. man, im getting really edgy over all those goodbyes.

i have to get use to all this. i shouldn't be expecting anything more from this guy i somehow once shared my life with. it was just a short 3 years wasn't it? i mean, not even half of my life! why should i be so upset? why should i be affected? why should a get hurt everytime we "see" each other? why should i care?

who would have though there was only ONE ANSWER TO ALL THOSE QUESTIONS.

an excerpt from yesterday, March 29, 2006:

leaving my safe-zone
i caught him lying again today.

i hate it when i catch his lies. we would be both better off if he is a greater liar that i am. obviously he isnt. it takes a damn good one to know one. so we vent off our anger (mostly mine) and i ended up deciding into this totally un-me setup that was suppose to be our "relationship" for the next days/months/years to come.

i was going over the fact that he could've just told me the truth since i wouldn't have minded but he insisted that he couldn't do it blah blah blah and that he couldn't take this commitment that i--oops. THERE. he's said IT. i totally blasted out of my wits over that one. not that it showed. i just sort of waved my hand in the air in a defeated way and miraculously, all my anger melted right there in the middle of the long stretching road of ortigas. i understood it at that moment. that was the problem. oh, it was THAT.

after three years of being together he unveiled this revelation that he couldn't take this COMMITMENT surging in my veins. concocted my blood and littered my cereal. i was heartbroken and devastated. why wouldn't i be? this being in front of me whom i cared for with such devotion and who drove me crazy yet the only thing that kept me sane. i felt that ugly feeling in my stomach that could only mean the bitter bile of betrayal.

sorrowfully we walked home. i, pretending to be okay and keeping my nerves where they should be and him itching to jump into the nearest vehicle and get the freaking hell away from this total psycho he called his girlfriend. he said he'd call me as soon as he gets home but i waved it off as nothing but words slurring out of his mouth without any meaning.

i knew it was all over and things would never be the same. i've lost the only thing in my life i was sure of. things could have gone the better way but i left my safe-zone this afternoon and im telling you it feels cold being out.

posted by karly at 11:46 PM 0 comments